The Chemical

She used to smile more often

earlier,

now all I see is tears 

rolling down her cheeks.

Those eyes, 

God those eyes!

They had dreams In sight. 

the ones that you see 

with them wide open,

they are moist lately.

And 

the confidence 

that moved the Himalayas once

I swear

is shaken down,

broken into pieces further

reduced to ground. 

The doughty once

is now scared of her

own reflection. 

Her self belief is tarnished,

smoked and blown 

up in the air. 

The quietude screams for justice. 

The one that is blind.

She knows that she has to find

it herself.   

The question here is whether

she is ready to face the cruel world

the one that hurled

Acid on her. 

The joust will be tough,

so she better not cough.

Her confidence grew 

when her husband drew

her dreams again.

The form that was torn in the struggle

is being put together.

The self belief brew

and finally 

the smile was back.

She had transgressed the attack. 

She now smiles more often.

The Doubt ....

          "Booking a banquet hall and make them repeat their vows is so mainstream, I should try and do something exceptional, something different than what my relatives did. Maybe a trip to Kerala or a houseboat experience", I had totally zoned out and was talking to myself again I realised.

          My planning always took the backseat due to the financial crunch. I was so desperate that I thought of asking my brother for help. The thing with time is that it passes really fast and the same thing happened with my plans. I had started planning for my parents 25th marriage anniversary 6 months prior to the date i.e. in June. But with the months passing by I could see January looking right at my face. As if the date was mocking me saying that I failed. I should tell you it was very embarrassing for me. But I was clueless and helpless.

          It was a not so pleasant day. I was unable to get rick in the morning and it was hot in the mid of December in Mumbai. I reached office a little late and my manager called me in his cabin. I already had my excuses prepared in my mind if he asked me about I coming late. Instead to my surprise he told me that he had nominated me along with a couple of my other colleagues for a competition and the results of which will be announced in the annual function. It was sort of a pageant where a boy and a girl will be selected as Mr. TBK and Ms. TBK and the winning prize is 3 days and 2 nights stay in the luxurious JW Marriott Resort in Goa. 

          I was sure about the fact that I will never be able to win this because every one in the competition was more smart and good looking than me. My self-analysing skills go skyrocketing high when it comes to competition. Which is good as it helps me in analysing my strengths and areas of improvement. But at the same time the analysis also plays the doubt card. But somewhere in the furthest corners of my heart I wished to win the competition, so I could use the prize for my parents anniversary gift. The next day we were told about the rules and the rounds that will take place. The first round will be a group discussion round followed by an extempore round and a physical round. basically these rounds will churn out the nominees and the final round will be between 5 boys and 5 girls. One will have showcase his/her talent on the stage and on the basis which the winners will be decided. I secretly wished that I should not reach till the talent round because I knew that I can neither dance nor sing.

          I have been part of many group discussions in the past and I knew how to crack the round. The GD was held in the staff cafeteria and the place was buzzing with the staff as it was a tea break. We were to speak on the topic of love marriage or arrange marriage. It was a piece of cake. Let me tell you the easiest way to crack a group discussion. First pretend that you are listening to all the points that everyone has to say and make a note of one or two points. Then in between put forward a strong argument supported by an example and boom. The moment my GD finished I rushed back to my workstation. Later in the evening I received an email stating that I have qualified for the next round. 

          The next was the extempore round. I am not good at cracking conversations. Most of the time I come across as a confused personality. Having too many thoughts and not knowing what to say when. I had a sleepless night. I was at my workstation when I was told that the round will start by 1100 am. I was to pickup my topic out of the bowl and speak on it for a 2 and a half minute. At 1 minute and 30 seconds we will be notified with the help of a bell that half time has passed. One has to speak till halftime at least or else he will be disqualified. My heart was running faster than the speed of light I guess and my throat was dry. You are up next, told the organiser. I went up as soon as my name was announced. I took out the chit and looked at the audience. It was the same cafeteria and it was full of people. More than the last time. I was nervous and I could feel my legs shivering. I started talking and I slipped in a good example at least I thought that it was good. I was catching glimpses of the the bell and finally it rang. It was breather for me as I was falling short of words to say, I finished in the next 20 seconds. I was sure about the fact that at least I am not disqualified. I ran back to my workstation as soon as I finished. In my head I thought that rushing back to the work station is a superstitious sign and I may get through the next round.

          This time the results were shared with my boss. In my department there were 3 boys taking part in the 2nd round. He called us in his cabin and told us the result. My throat dried the moment I heard the results. Mark didn't make it and so did Prashant There I was talking to my self again," I did rush back to the workstation. If these guys didn't make it there is no chance I will make it." and when he was about to tell me my result his phone rang.

to be continued.....

The Bag is Heavy

I am six years old

and 

I think I was sold 

to my parents. 

I know the statement is bold

but hold 

on a second. 

Try to listen 

and not hear,

coz I can't no longer bear.

My bag is heavy. 

No don't think it is the books

I mean here. 

These are the hooks 

that you keep barking around;

They have filled my bag.

You must score 98,

What ! Only 98;

you should top

the class. 

Maybe, you should stop

and look at me. 

I am tired

and 

I feel like I am wired 

to your expectations.

Talk to me or

spare an ear. 

I want you to hold 
me and 
ask me

What do I want to do?

May be I will get a gold

or maybe fly 

across the globe. 

It is a slippery slope,

I can slip to the bottom 

or go up the rope

Let me have some hope. 

I will make you proud

But please don't follow the crowd. 

Fill the empty space with 

hope and option

like a concoction. 

So I don't feel the pain

and put the blame

on you. 

My bag is heavy.

A video that may help you understand better.

Playground of bones....

          “This is where your dad and uncle finished schooling”. You should be proud and aim at continuing the legacy. My mother told me this, on my way to principals office. St. Marry’s Orphanage & Day School, this is where I studied till the third standard. Yes, you are right you judgemental bastards, it is ICSE board and a catholic school. I am in awe with the selection process of the school for the students. The parents are interviewed initially, post which the student has an interview with the principal. It is the principal that decides whether the child should be accepted or not. Not many schools have such a criteria in place.

          So there I was in the principals office. The principal was also a father. He was very sweet to me throughout the interaction. He asked me a couple of questions and I must say my parents did a great job in terms of preparing me for the interview. I apparently knew most of the answers to the questions he asked. Post the interaction father met my tensed parents. Somehow getting into this school was big deal for them. He was able to calm their senses by saying that I made the cut. I remember my treat was a 300 ml Thumbs Up and a Monginis muffin on our way back home.

          The school was amazing. It was bigger than the last one. This school had two play grounds. The last school I was in had only one marry go round in their front yard. You don’t get to step onto it during recess because there were so many students. I had the jitters when I entered the class. I didn’t know anyone. The first day was quiet amazing. I made a friend. He had an amazing pencil box which had Optimus Prime on it. I remember going home and asking my mom to get me the same pencil box. The only annoying thing initially was the auto ride in the morning. We had to take an auto from home till school. I was made to sit on my mothers lap. I didn’t like it as I was a big boy now in my head.

          I come from a brahmin family so I had never encountered chicken or mutton bones. During recess, while playing in the ground I used to see a lot of bones lying around. I was sure that somebody here does black magic and stuff like that. Yes, you would think how is possible for me to think like that. My answer is Zee horror show and Aahat were prominent while I was growing up. And Ramsey was not leaving any stone unturned to scare the shit out of everyone with his horror flicks. As in when the days past I encountered more bones in and around the school ground. I told this to my mother and was assured that those were not human bones but animal bones. I was not convinced. I was expecting to encounter a human skull in the ground sometime soon. i so wanted to prove my mother wrong.

          My friend Kumar Gaurav started acting weird one afternoon in the school. I thought he was being funny, but to my surprise he walked out of the class while Mrs. Davidson was still teaching. My jaw dropped and so did Mrs Davidson’s. I had a crush on Mrs. Davidson. I even used to copy her signatures. Now that is a little creepy, I know. But in my defence, I was just 6. And every one of you must have had a crush on your teacher, so cut me some slack. Coming back to the goon who left the classroom. He comes back with his shirt all wet. When asked where did he go, he said, “I was feeling thirsty” and sat in his seat.

          Next day in the morning we exchanged a trump card. He gave me a Ajay Jadeja against my Debashish Mohanty, which was an amazing deal. I mean Mohanty was fairly new and Jadeja was going all guns blazing back then. He even captained India in a couple of matches. During recess the we were playing in the woods when we came across a couple of bones and when I showed them to Gaurav he started acting weird. He picked up a rock and started threatening us. At first I thought he was joking. But when he threw the rock at Sylvester, I was shocked. He was fortunate that it didn’t hit Sylvester. Otherwise Gaurav would have been expelled for sure. Forget about the police charges. Next moment he was running after me and cornered me and took the Ajay Jadeja trump card from me. Fortunately for me the recess bell rang which distracted him. I pushed him and ran towards the class. I didn’t mention it to anyone as I thought people will find me crazy as Sylvester didn’t utter a word to anyone as well. I had my seat changed.

          In the coming week I saw a couple of more such instances but I distanced myself from him. Making sure that I don’t get hurt. One afternoon I was drinking water, and the moment I turned around to go back to class, I saw him standing behind me. He asked me about the seat change and weird behaviour of mine. To which I told him everything and even threatened to go to the principal if he tried to hurt me. To my surprise he started laughing. He told me that all that was just for fun. He told me that he acted like that to even a score with Sylvester and a few others. He also offered to give me the trump card back.

         But I made my distance from that goon and never changed my seat. I left the school next year. I happen to visit the school once during fathers alumni meet. To my surprise he was still studying there. Our paths crossed, we exchanged pleasantries and we went our own ways.

She was a mystery...

She was a mystery 

and

he had history,

with 

drug abuse;

but

Still she choose

him.

She was hopeful about future

but,

he continued his torture

until,

she had enough.

She left a note 

stating,

baby I can’t cope

any longer.

May you get your head straight

but till then

I can’t wait.

I am ending this today

in my own way.

Love, Chaunrey.

He took out his cell

to call her.

There was a bell

but

she won’t answer.

His temper rose

and

his feet froze.

His heart slowed down

and

he had frown

on his forehead.

He moved to the bed

to get his pills.

He gulped one after another 

he tried to call her brother.

but in vain.

Clearly, he was going insane.

His throat dried

when he saw his would be bride

lying in the tub, 

in her wedding gown

with her wrist slit.

It looked as if she had drown

in her own blood.
His mind went numb
and 
eyes were teary.
Certainly,

She was a mystery