The Chemical

She used to smile more often

earlier,

now all I see is tears 

rolling down her cheeks.

Those eyes, 

God those eyes!

They had dreams In sight. 

the ones that you see 

with them wide open,

they are moist lately.

And 

the confidence 

that moved the Himalayas once

I swear

is shaken down,

broken into pieces further

reduced to ground. 

The doughty once

is now scared of her

own reflection. 

Her self belief is tarnished,

smoked and blown 

up in the air. 

The quietude screams for justice. 

The one that is blind.

She knows that she has to find

it herself.   

The question here is whether

she is ready to face the cruel world

the one that hurled

Acid on her. 

The joust will be tough,

so she better not cough.

Her confidence grew 

when her husband drew

her dreams again.

The form that was torn in the struggle

is being put together.

The self belief brew

and finally 

the smile was back.

She had transgressed the attack. 

She now smiles more often.

The Doubt ....

          "Booking a banquet hall and make them repeat their vows is so mainstream, I should try and do something exceptional, something different than what my relatives did. Maybe a trip to Kerala or a houseboat experience", I had totally zoned out and was talking to myself again I realised.

          My planning always took the backseat due to the financial crunch. I was so desperate that I thought of asking my brother for help. The thing with time is that it passes really fast and the same thing happened with my plans. I had started planning for my parents 25th marriage anniversary 6 months prior to the date i.e. in June. But with the months passing by I could see January looking right at my face. As if the date was mocking me saying that I failed. I should tell you it was very embarrassing for me. But I was clueless and helpless.

          It was a not so pleasant day. I was unable to get rick in the morning and it was hot in the mid of December in Mumbai. I reached office a little late and my manager called me in his cabin. I already had my excuses prepared in my mind if he asked me about I coming late. Instead to my surprise he told me that he had nominated me along with a couple of my other colleagues for a competition and the results of which will be announced in the annual function. It was sort of a pageant where a boy and a girl will be selected as Mr. TBK and Ms. TBK and the winning prize is 3 days and 2 nights stay in the luxurious JW Marriott Resort in Goa. 

          I was sure about the fact that I will never be able to win this because every one in the competition was more smart and good looking than me. My self-analysing skills go skyrocketing high when it comes to competition. Which is good as it helps me in analysing my strengths and areas of improvement. But at the same time the analysis also plays the doubt card. But somewhere in the furthest corners of my heart I wished to win the competition, so I could use the prize for my parents anniversary gift. The next day we were told about the rules and the rounds that will take place. The first round will be a group discussion round followed by an extempore round and a physical round. basically these rounds will churn out the nominees and the final round will be between 5 boys and 5 girls. One will have showcase his/her talent on the stage and on the basis which the winners will be decided. I secretly wished that I should not reach till the talent round because I knew that I can neither dance nor sing.

          I have been part of many group discussions in the past and I knew how to crack the round. The GD was held in the staff cafeteria and the place was buzzing with the staff as it was a tea break. We were to speak on the topic of love marriage or arrange marriage. It was a piece of cake. Let me tell you the easiest way to crack a group discussion. First pretend that you are listening to all the points that everyone has to say and make a note of one or two points. Then in between put forward a strong argument supported by an example and boom. The moment my GD finished I rushed back to my workstation. Later in the evening I received an email stating that I have qualified for the next round. 

          The next was the extempore round. I am not good at cracking conversations. Most of the time I come across as a confused personality. Having too many thoughts and not knowing what to say when. I had a sleepless night. I was at my workstation when I was told that the round will start by 1100 am. I was to pickup my topic out of the bowl and speak on it for a 2 and a half minute. At 1 minute and 30 seconds we will be notified with the help of a bell that half time has passed. One has to speak till halftime at least or else he will be disqualified. My heart was running faster than the speed of light I guess and my throat was dry. You are up next, told the organiser. I went up as soon as my name was announced. I took out the chit and looked at the audience. It was the same cafeteria and it was full of people. More than the last time. I was nervous and I could feel my legs shivering. I started talking and I slipped in a good example at least I thought that it was good. I was catching glimpses of the the bell and finally it rang. It was breather for me as I was falling short of words to say, I finished in the next 20 seconds. I was sure about the fact that at least I am not disqualified. I ran back to my workstation as soon as I finished. In my head I thought that rushing back to the work station is a superstitious sign and I may get through the next round.

          This time the results were shared with my boss. In my department there were 3 boys taking part in the 2nd round. He called us in his cabin and told us the result. My throat dried the moment I heard the results. Mark didn't make it and so did Prashant There I was talking to my self again," I did rush back to the workstation. If these guys didn't make it there is no chance I will make it." and when he was about to tell me my result his phone rang.

to be continued.....

The Bag is Heavy

I am six years old

and 

I think I was sold 

to my parents. 

I know the statement is bold

but hold 

on a second. 

Try to listen 

and not hear,

coz I can't no longer bear.

My bag is heavy. 

No don't think it is the books

I mean here. 

These are the hooks 

that you keep barking around;

They have filled my bag.

You must score 98,

What ! Only 98;

you should top

the class. 

Maybe, you should stop

and look at me. 

I am tired

and 

I feel like I am wired 

to your expectations.

Talk to me or

spare an ear. 

I want you to hold 
me and 
ask me

What do I want to do?

May be I will get a gold

or maybe fly 

across the globe. 

It is a slippery slope,

I can slip to the bottom 

or go up the rope

Let me have some hope. 

I will make you proud

But please don't follow the crowd. 

Fill the empty space with 

hope and option

like a concoction. 

So I don't feel the pain

and put the blame

on you. 

My bag is heavy.

A video that may help you understand better.

Playground of bones....

          “This is where your dad and uncle finished schooling”. You should be proud and aim at continuing the legacy. My mother told me this, on my way to principals office. St. Marry’s Orphanage & Day School, this is where I studied till the third standard. Yes, you are right you judgemental bastards, it is ICSE board and a catholic school. I am in awe with the selection process of the school for the students. The parents are interviewed initially, post which the student has an interview with the principal. It is the principal that decides whether the child should be accepted or not. Not many schools have such a criteria in place.

          So there I was in the principals office. The principal was also a father. He was very sweet to me throughout the interaction. He asked me a couple of questions and I must say my parents did a great job in terms of preparing me for the interview. I apparently knew most of the answers to the questions he asked. Post the interaction father met my tensed parents. Somehow getting into this school was big deal for them. He was able to calm their senses by saying that I made the cut. I remember my treat was a 300 ml Thumbs Up and a Monginis muffin on our way back home.

          The school was amazing. It was bigger than the last one. This school had two play grounds. The last school I was in had only one marry go round in their front yard. You don’t get to step onto it during recess because there were so many students. I had the jitters when I entered the class. I didn’t know anyone. The first day was quiet amazing. I made a friend. He had an amazing pencil box which had Optimus Prime on it. I remember going home and asking my mom to get me the same pencil box. The only annoying thing initially was the auto ride in the morning. We had to take an auto from home till school. I was made to sit on my mothers lap. I didn’t like it as I was a big boy now in my head.

          I come from a brahmin family so I had never encountered chicken or mutton bones. During recess, while playing in the ground I used to see a lot of bones lying around. I was sure that somebody here does black magic and stuff like that. Yes, you would think how is possible for me to think like that. My answer is Zee horror show and Aahat were prominent while I was growing up. And Ramsey was not leaving any stone unturned to scare the shit out of everyone with his horror flicks. As in when the days past I encountered more bones in and around the school ground. I told this to my mother and was assured that those were not human bones but animal bones. I was not convinced. I was expecting to encounter a human skull in the ground sometime soon. i so wanted to prove my mother wrong.

          My friend Kumar Gaurav started acting weird one afternoon in the school. I thought he was being funny, but to my surprise he walked out of the class while Mrs. Davidson was still teaching. My jaw dropped and so did Mrs Davidson’s. I had a crush on Mrs. Davidson. I even used to copy her signatures. Now that is a little creepy, I know. But in my defence, I was just 6. And every one of you must have had a crush on your teacher, so cut me some slack. Coming back to the goon who left the classroom. He comes back with his shirt all wet. When asked where did he go, he said, “I was feeling thirsty” and sat in his seat.

          Next day in the morning we exchanged a trump card. He gave me a Ajay Jadeja against my Debashish Mohanty, which was an amazing deal. I mean Mohanty was fairly new and Jadeja was going all guns blazing back then. He even captained India in a couple of matches. During recess the we were playing in the woods when we came across a couple of bones and when I showed them to Gaurav he started acting weird. He picked up a rock and started threatening us. At first I thought he was joking. But when he threw the rock at Sylvester, I was shocked. He was fortunate that it didn’t hit Sylvester. Otherwise Gaurav would have been expelled for sure. Forget about the police charges. Next moment he was running after me and cornered me and took the Ajay Jadeja trump card from me. Fortunately for me the recess bell rang which distracted him. I pushed him and ran towards the class. I didn’t mention it to anyone as I thought people will find me crazy as Sylvester didn’t utter a word to anyone as well. I had my seat changed.

          In the coming week I saw a couple of more such instances but I distanced myself from him. Making sure that I don’t get hurt. One afternoon I was drinking water, and the moment I turned around to go back to class, I saw him standing behind me. He asked me about the seat change and weird behaviour of mine. To which I told him everything and even threatened to go to the principal if he tried to hurt me. To my surprise he started laughing. He told me that all that was just for fun. He told me that he acted like that to even a score with Sylvester and a few others. He also offered to give me the trump card back.

         But I made my distance from that goon and never changed my seat. I left the school next year. I happen to visit the school once during fathers alumni meet. To my surprise he was still studying there. Our paths crossed, we exchanged pleasantries and we went our own ways.

She was a mystery...

She was a mystery 

and

he had history,

with 

drug abuse;

but

Still she choose

him.

She was hopeful about future

but,

he continued his torture

until,

she had enough.

She left a note 

stating,

baby I can’t cope

any longer.

May you get your head straight

but till then

I can’t wait.

I am ending this today

in my own way.

Love, Chaunrey.

He took out his cell

to call her.

There was a bell

but

she won’t answer.

His temper rose

and

his feet froze.

His heart slowed down

and

he had frown

on his forehead.

He moved to the bed

to get his pills.

He gulped one after another 

he tried to call her brother.

but in vain.

Clearly, he was going insane.

His throat dried

when he saw his would be bride

lying in the tub, 

in her wedding gown

with her wrist slit.

It looked as if she had drown

in her own blood.
His mind went numb
and 
eyes were teary.
Certainly,

She was a mystery 

CHANGE THE ONLY CONSTANT

         The counter at the food joint was hardly visible. People were stuck to the counter such as bees to honey. The roadside snacks shop usually had a swarm of people throughout the day. On the other side of the counter was a man drenched in his own sweat standing and shouting the orders. There were some food items in the glass counter which had a 100 watt bulb.  The purpose of the bulb other than emitting light was to keep the food warm. Inside the room was a big gas stove. On top of which was a big black kadhaai filled with smearing hot samosas. On the right side of the room along with the wall was a bench which had the uncooked items.

       I was going to KOLKATA as it is referred now, after 10 years. The air was nostalgic around me. When I got down at the station after a tiresome journey my eyes lit up, when I saw the known faces. My brother and chachu had come to receive me. The childhood memories rushed back to me as it was yesterday, when we were being received by our grandparents from our visit to mamabadi in Punjab. We are a punjabi family, settled in Calcutta. 

Before my brother came into the picture, me being the only son to my parents, I was the apple of the eye. Every demand of mine was met. The person who made sure that I never get my eyes moist was my grandfather. He was a man of wit, knowledge and wisdom. He was a mathematic wizard for me. He was too good with the numbers. It is because of him that my interest in mathematics grew stronger. Though it has always been really challenging for me to solve the problems, where I was asked to find “x” or the probability of the balls being red or yellow in the bag. But imaginary calculation was taught to me by my mother. Here the space in front of me used to become my slate and my finger was the chalk. I would make the calculation in the air with the help of my finger and formulate the answer. The day I did the calculation correct at the stationary store, her was the proudest smile. 

    It so happened that my parents and I went to the stationary store to buy chart papers and settle for the monthly newspaper bill. The stationary store owner chandan da used to deliver newspapers. He used to come on his cycle in front of the building and aim at the house, his aim was so perfect that the newspaper always used to knock the correct door.  His store had an amazing collection of fountain pens. My fascination towards fountain pens grew stronger because of his store. While storekeeper chandan da was about to sum the total expenses on the calculator, I shouted the answer. My mother turned towards me and smiled and that is when I knew that I have mastered the art.

    The taxi crossed Dum Dum station. The road was completely changed. There is a railway bridge which when crossed brought back so many memories. Once I and my father were heading back home and had to cross the underpass. It had rained so heavy that underpass was flooded and it was chaotic everywhere. I had made sure in my mind never to come this way during rains. Just a few meters away was my school. It was always tough for me to find the gate as there used to be the roadside vendors selling vegetables and fish. The gate still looked the same. 

         The entire stretch from the school till my home was surreal. For a moment I even thought that we were not on the correct route. We crossed the same snacks shop. It was completely transformed. The live kitchen had disappeared. Next day I visited the shop. The snacks didn’t taste the same. I enquired about the modification. The owner told me he had purchased the shop 3 years back. That moment I realised that nothing is constant forever. All my childhood memories are memories only. I will not be able to relive them again. I felt a little sad, then finished my chop and left.

Honey! It was a tiring day

She got up before the sun could rise,
Trying not to wake her better-half,
because its wise
to let him sleep.
While she washes and prepares herself
for battle,
no, no this one is not that fatal.
The gods are worshipped and
the tea is ready.
It's time to wake him up,
the income needs to be steady.
The breakfast on the table is laid,
Oh dear God!
The older one needs to bathe.
The school bag is on her shoulder.
Honey, don't you remove the sweater,
the weather today is colder.
While she is back
and to her surprise,
The house is a mess
and she is supposed to make it look nice.
As the hands on the clock meet at twelve.
She is preparing lunch on the kitchen shelf.
The younger one's crying again;
oh my precious!
are you hungry or in pain.
Come on ! finish your lunch soon.
You have a tennis lesson sharp
at 3 in the afternoon.
She is feeling a little tired,
but the clothes need to be ironed.
It is time for the evening tea,
she looks a little weary
and the phone rings,
darling my colleagues are insisting on Rogan Jos
and one of them is my boss.
By the time dinner is wrapped,
she is completely sapped.
She kisses and
put the little one's to sleep.
And when she is about to speak,
he cuts her to say,
honey! it was a tiring day.

House Of Crazy

It was the 22nd consecutive day of madness. The work was driving all of us mad. Had never in the last couple of years been hit this bad with work. I mean there were times when it was this crazy, but the chaos lasted a day or two. This time the shit was serious from day 2 of this month. 

Hi, I am part of the operations department of a company which has it's operations in different countries and this scenario is of my department. Have you ever seen men working on a construction site? They appear to me as they eat and sleep construction through out. I have started feeling like a construction worker. I come back home to rest my body because there are no bunkers in the office. Had there been any, the scenario would have been an amazing one.

There are other teams around me and they are having the time of their life as it is a Christmas week. Secret santas are hopping in from the invisible chimneys. Gifts are being exchanged and cakes are being shared and here I am sitting in 4 by 2 cubical and issuing plastic money to people whom I don’t know and don’t  even care about. 

It is so funny that a person is ready to pay his hard earned money to get money on credit which one may never need. But that is what is keeping me warm and feeding my overweight belly. 

I at times want to smack the computer down and yell “fuck you” at the top of my voice. But I am selfish and a coward. I love the money and the status that the job gives me. I am a slave to my self proclaimed ego and pride to rank myself above my relatives and friends and god knows whom so ever. Will I be a slave always? It’s an answer I have been asking myself for long but, after a few bills knock my door I hide myself behind them and go on with the thraldom.

Is it only me who feels the same or others ruminate too about the same things or are they busy thinking about something completely different and complex. All this while one thing that has helped me through is food and Johnny cash, the legendary singer. I got to know about him recently and trust me he is good. You should listen to his top 50 songs. I love the song “a boy named sue”. Damn he is good.

Should I go all guns blazing like a rebel and fuck everyone or should I just quietly get lost and try something else? But sooner or later I will get married and will have more mouths to feed. Mom and dad are getting old what about them? What about them? I think I should try and kill the rebel and carry on with this shit. I think that is best for everyone. I can hear them from a distance, someone will be knocking the door soon. Announcing themselves as bills.

Mostly I feel that the rebel is the need of the hour. But then I know how Che Guvera died.

Woman : A Man's Point of View

You are the epitome of beauty,

You are of power and 

of unconditional love. 

You give life,

Become a wife and a friend,

You are with us till the end. 

You complete us 

and

Do not make a fuss.

You are pure 

And most of the time

You are the cure,

You work, cook and clean

You help us, you complete the team. 

You don't complain. 

But why do you hide your pain.

I know most us do not care,

But I dare,

To thank you all because

Without you we would be nowhere

You do not need a day,

Like

Woman's day because,

Our entire life we go by your way. 

Who boarded the train ?

                     It was more than ten minutes now since the train had halted at the station. Everyone was becoming restless, especially the passengers from the AC coach. You see the AC was turned off and the temperature in the compartments started rising. I saw a couple of passengers walking on the platform and asking about the halt, as this station is not a regular halt. I heard a tea seller yelling that the rail line is broken and it may take indefinite time to repair. 

While I was looking out of the window, a man lying under the tree shade caught my eye. He was lying there as a carefree soul. I have envied to be in that state since I hit adulthood. I was drawn towards to the man and in no time I found my self under that tree shade. I took out my pack of cigarette and was about to light it, when the man next to me was awaken at the sound of my mobile ringtone.

I disconnected the call and apologised to him. These gadgets have got you addicted, he said. He was conversing in english to my surprise. Before we could start talking, he asked me for a cigarette. Then he borrowed a light. Then he went quiet and started looking at the fields. I too struck my gaze at the fields. He continued, son can you hear the wind blowing by us. Yes, I said. That is mother nature speaking to you, he continued. I was a senior manager in Bangalore. I could not handle the fast pace any longer and moved here. I manage an outlet at the station and make a living out of it. But I have time for myself and appreciate the gods green earth to the fullest. And then he went silent and went back to gazing the fields.

The silence was broken by the air horn of the engine. It started puffing smoke. I got up haphazardly to rush towards the train so that I don't miss it. I was physically present in the train but something was missing.

Have you ever been on a train? At times the train stops at a station waiting for  line man to direct it towards the correct direction. You are in your coach and you look out of the window and notice a man lying under the shade of a tree. You can hear and feel the breeze. You think of a happy and carefree life you would have if you were that man. But then the train puffs smoke and you run to catch the train. Is it you who boarded the train or you were left at the station? 

background picture courtesy https://www.instagram.com/streets.of.india/

Was it really a dream ! ! !

One sunny winter she was on her rocking chair, soaking the sun. The rest of the family was busy in their daily chores. The warmth was so soothing to the bones that she dozed of to sleep in just a few minutes.

The world around her was quiet. Suddenly she heard a knock on the door. She asked the door to be answered, but no one around was to be found in the house. She managed to get up from her chair and opened the door only to her surprise. She was stunned to see the face on the other side of the door. It was Noorie. She had all grown up. Grey hair and a pair glasses lying on top her pointed nose. She would be in her late 60’s.As they met they hugged each other and cried. “I thought of coming there and meeting you” she said. “but you know the tension amongst the countries” she continued.

Noorie was her neighbour back in 1920 in Pakistan occupied Punjab. She and her entire family had to come to India during partition. They still had that dreadful night in their memories. They knew they might never see each other again. Noorie somehow managed to sneak in a small bag of shakkar for her just minutes before their departure. Noorie knew that her best friend was fond of it.

They were sitting in the balcony and sipping tea. That is when Noorie reached in her bag to pull out a small packet. Noorie handed the packet to her. As soon as she opened the packet her eyes were moist. It was shakkar. She started to eat like a 8 yr old. It was all over her mouth. Noorie told her to slow down and asked her to clean her self up.

Suddenly she wakes up to reality. There was a rocking chair next to her. On the table were two cups of tea and she could still feel the taste of shakkar on her lips. Was it for real or just a dream? 

If you are missing someone don’t wait for them to call. Call them and take a walk in the memory lane of sweet dreams.